A Picture From a Magazine, and Hope

     I found this picture while I was going through some of my stuff today, and it brought me to my knees in gratitude, remembering how much it meant to me during the lowest point of my life, and realizing again just how far God has carried me since that most difficult time. I don't share this story very often, but I feel like God brought this picture back to my memory for a reason, so I will share it now in hopes that it helps someone else who is going through a storm in their life. 
     It's been twelve and a half years now, and it shocks me to see that number. I can recall every detail like it was yesterday, but sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago. I was living in Indiana, living and working on a large Thoroughbred horse farm, and I had just gotten remarried two weeks before. I went with my husband to help with a mare that was going down to be bred to a high dollar stallion in Louisville, Ky. My job was to stay with the 30 day old foal in the horse trailer while the mare was in the breeding shed. The farm I worked on really didn't handle the foals much at that age, so this little filly was quite frightened when her mom left the trailer. She weighed around 150 lbs at that point, about 30 lbs more than me at the time. During the hour the mare was gone, that little wild thing drug me around all over the trailer, while I tried my best to keep her from harming herself and me. It was not a good situation, and I came out of it with a grade one right shoulder dislocation. No big deal. This was February 15, 2003. I wore a sling, and it rocked on for 3 weeks, no better, no worse. Than, on March 4, I woke up and thought I had surely died and gone to hell, because I was in so much pain I couldn't believe I was still alive. I could not even say my name, all I could do was scream. My right shoulder and arm felt like it was simultaneously being burned and stabbed over and over. My husband took me to the doctor, and I was blessed to be seen by a doctor who immediately recognized what was happening, William F. Blaisdell, MD. I remember him saying, "I believe you have developed RSD. If we can get this pain stopped quickly, you have a good chance of recovering completely." I remember thinking, "RSD!? What in the world is that?" But at that point, all I wanted was the pain to go away, so I didn't question him then. He gave me some very strong pain meds in my IV, and I thought, "Oh good, I'll be feeling much better shortly." Not so. After giving me another round of IV pain meds, with no relief whatsoever, he injected my shoulder with a strong anesthetic, wrote a prescription for pain meds, and told me to come back first thing in the morning. I came home and sat in a recliner all night, literally crying and screaming in agony. The next day I was no better, and thus began a vicious downward spiral in my physical, emotional, and mental health. I had developed a crazy and debilitating disease called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, also called Chronic Regional Pain Syndrome. My sympathetic nervous system wouldn't quit firing pain signals in my right arm, and my circulatory system was trying to shut down in my right arm. Every day that week I was in the doctor's office, with no relief. I remember at one point asking him to just cut my arm off, because I didn't need it that bad. It was at this low point when I saw this picture of the most beautiful moth I had ever seen in a magazine in my doctor's office. I don't remember the name of it, but I remember seeing pictures of it as a worm, and then this picture of how beautiful it was after it "died" in it's cocoon and was reborn as a moth. It struck a chord with my spirit, because I felt like I was literally dying, and I wasn't sure I if I would emerge on the other side of this trial or not. As I stared at it, I could hear my Lord whisper to me, "This too shall pass, my child, and you will come out on the other side." A certainty, a hope, and a peace came over me, and I knew somehow, someday, it would be better. I remember tearfully asking Dr. Blaisdell if I could have the picture out of the magazine, and he so carefully cut it out for me and gave it to me, saying, "Honey, if it makes you feel any better, you can have any picture you want in that magazine!" That picture became a symbol to me, of hope and rebirth, and life after the storm. I became determined to emerge from this "cocoon of death" stronger and more beautiful than ever before. I endured years of stellate ganglion blocks, surgeries to implant devices to override the pain in my spine, and I was on so much medication I could barely function. Nothing really helped the pain, or the problems with the circulation in my arm. I lost down to 95 lbs, and some of the surgeries caused permanent nerve and ligament damage in my hips and spine, which left me unable to walk without a cane, and for a while I actually had to use a motorized chair for mobility. After some of the surgeries, I would be bedridden for months at a time. My right arm became essentially useless, all of the hair on it fell off and my fingernails came off. It was alternately hot, then cold, and I could stand no wind to blow on it, because it felt like darts on my arm. I lost my ability to write, which had always been my "outlet", and my ability to play piano. I almost lost complete hope. During one of my surgeries, I had to be resuscitated twice, and I became afraid to be put under anesthesia, fearing I wouldn't wake up. My kind, caring doctor was a blessing to me, and he insisted I be able to take my picture with me to every surgery and procedure I had. His orders were, "let her keep it with her until she is under anesthesia, then give it back to her as soon as she wakes up." It became my habit to look for my picture as soon as I was conscious again, knowing if I saw it that I had survived. There were days when staring at this picture and praying for God to carry me through to the other side of my storm was all I had the energy or courage to do. I carried it everywhere with me, believing in God's promise of a better day, of a rainbow after the storm, and a better life with less pain one day. My life verse has always been Job 23:10 - "But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I will come forth as gold." This picture became a symbol of that promise to "come forth as gold". Now, I didn't worship this picture, so don't get me wrong, but it was the beauty of the ugly worm dying, and then living again, more beautiful and stronger, able to fly, that I clung to. I knew only God could do that, take something like a worm and make something so beautiful and graceful, and I knew He could do it for me, too. It was 7 years later, when I moved back home to Mississippi, that I finally began to "emerge" from that cocoon of pain and death. Sadly, my marriage did not survive that period, and I found myself alone, and disabled. I was still on about 20 different types of medications a day, most of them I took at least twice a day. I was still barely functioning, and now I was totally on my own, with only God and myself to depend on. The first six months, I was so scared and depressed, and I admit, several times I thought about dying. I came very close to being suicidal, and that is hard for me to admit. I went weeks without seeing another person, and days without even talking to anyone. Then I reconnected with an old friend, and she introduced me to essential oils, and she prayed for me and encouraged me to seek alternative methods of pain management. She was persistent in not letting me become the recluse I wanted to be, and I am ever thankful to her for that. As I began to use natural methods of pain relief, I found that they did help. I researched more, changed my diet to organic, healthier foods, and I began to notice a real difference. I credit God totally with this, because it is He who made those plants that the essential oils were derived from, it is He who created those healthy, nutritious foods, and it was He who carried me on those days when I literally could not walk, or move, on my own. It was God's loving arms wrapped tightly around me that kept me from ending my life when I got so low. As I got a little better, I began to rehabilitate myself, forcing myself to fight through the pain to walk without a cane, then to roller skate, like a baby at first (I had been a good skater in my youth), and finally progressing to the point I could whiz around that floor like I had wings. I remembered my picture of that beautiful moth I had carried all those years, and I knew God was fulfilling his promise to carry me through to the other side. I was able to wean off all prescription medications, and I began to toy with the idea of going back into Nursing, and getting off of disability. That day when I completed my "Reorientation to Nursing" course, required after so many years of being out, felt like the best day of my life. I felt like a new person, and I was. Those trials, those dark and hard moments I had endured, had caused me to grow in ways I never would have otherwise. I was tougher, but softer. I still had, and have, a lot of pain, but I have learned not to fear it, and to know my limits. I have learned to take better care of my body, and to give it the nutrition, exercise, and rest it needs to function. I have become much more sympathetic to others in pain, whether it is physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual pain. I have become more forgiving, more tolerant of other's mistakes and human ways, and I have become more appreciative of those little things we so often take for granted. I have come to the full understanding that no tomorrow is guaranteed, and today is fleeting. I have learned, with God's loving help and strength, to rely on Him, the One who knows me best, who desires only good for me, and who will never leave or forsake me. This is why I chose Nursing Behind the Wall, because I know what it is like to be in a dark place without hope, a prison of pain, and I want to share the Light of Hope, who is Jesus, with these people. 
     So dear friend, if you are going through storms, if life seems dark and lonely, and you are close to giving up hope, take heart! There is One who loves you more than you can imagine, One who wants to hold you close in His loving arms and whisper, "It will be ok my child." Seek God, through Jesus Christ, and draw near to Him. He will carry you through even the darkest night, the most violent storm, the biggest heartache, and the worst pain. Our Lord, the Great Physician, wants to heal you. All you have to do is trust in Him, believe His promises, and rest in His loving arms. This too, will pass, my friend. One day soon, that cocoon of death you are in will break open, and you will emerge stronger, more beautiful, and better for it. God bless....

Uncertain Tomorrows

     I spent the day playing with two of my grandbabies yesterday. Looking at their sweet little faces, hearing their innocent laughter, and watching their imaginative child's play made me smile and cry in my soul at the same time. I smiled at the beauty of them, the next generation continuing on in my family. Small children are the sweetest thing on this earth, their innocence is so soothing to my spirit. When I hear one of them say, "Mima" it just makes my heart burst with happiness. I found myself saddened though, and my soul cried within me when I considered the world they will grow up in, if it lasts that long. I had just finished final preparations for a coming disaster, something I feel inside of my gut with a knowing that I can't explain. This world is too upside down. Right is wrong and wrong is right. People are exalting in their freedom to "do what is right for them, live life to the fullest, follow their own path", the excuses are endless. Few people seem to care about living a life that sets an example of right and wrong for our children. The public glories in the evil done by celebrities, politicians, and leaders. It's deemed okay to commit the most heinous of sins, but it is not okay to talk about Jesus Christ. Christians are scorned, mocked, and shockingly, even beheaded in this time, and nobody blinks. We have a leader who scorns and rejects the very principles our nation was founded on. This is the future my grandchildren have ahead of them, if Christ doesn't return first and we don't take our nation back for the right.
    I think back to my childhood, and the world I grew up in. We were very poor, and times were hard, and I had no way of knowing those were the best of times. I would give up every modern convenience I had just to return this world to the principles I grew up in. I remember being so proud to learn the pledge of allegiance, and I recall the thrill I felt inside at school when I held my hand over my heart, faced the flag, and repeated it as our school principal led us in saluting our flag and our nation. We were taught the Declaration of Independence, and the Preamble to the Constitution. I recall bowing my head at home when my father or mother said the blessing over hard earned food, and the feeling of rightness, and of being loved, as I looked around the table at my sisters. On Sunday, we dressed in second hand clothes we were proud to have, and we worshiped God. Everyone was always glad to see each other, and glad to be in the house of the Lord. We sang old hymns loudly, with a zeal and a belief in Jesus. Almost everybody in my school went to church. I don't remember a single person in my school who didn't believe in God, it was simply unheard of. We were taught that America was "one nation under God" and our founding fathers were God-fearing men, and this was a good thing. At football games and other school functions, a local pastor would always say a prayer before the game started, and everyone respectfully bowed their heads. Shorts and revealing clothes were not allowed, either in school or in church. Children were taught manners, and to respect their elders. Neighborhoods looked out for each other's kids, and whooped any kid misbehaving. This was not looked on as child abuse, but as the correct training for a child. Adults back then understood that the youth of today are the adults of tomorrow, and proper raising of one's children was the only way to prevent lawlessness in the future. Welfare was only for people who needed it, and it was considered short term only. Society was expected to work for their living or go without. People lived by a budget, and you were expected to pay your bills on time, before any nonessential items were purchased.  Voting was taken seriously, as was running for office, even local positions. Children were taught gun safety at an early age, and the first rule was, you never point a gun at another person. My childhood heroes were John Wayne, Marshall Dillon, and Billy Graham. 
     This was the America I grew up in, a hard working, decent, Bible believing country that flew the flag on the proper days, and the Bill of Rights were sacred and protected. I long for those days for my grandchildren, but I sadly realize they are gone, never to return I fear. What then do I do? Do I lay down my beliefs along with my weapons, and give up? Do I allow greedy politicians and evildoers to take over this land my heirs will inherit? God forbid! I am resolved to do what I must to ensure this does not happen. I truly believe we are living in prophesied end times, and that none of us have long left down here. Until that day, until I am called home or raptured away, I will fight. I will fight evil with good, lies with truth, and hate with love. I will spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ to this dying and sinful world with my last breath. If the need arises, and a call to arms comes to defend these liberties, then gladly will I fight, gladly will I lay down my life for the cause of Freedom. This may be my last post, times are uncertain, and people are killed for less than this. If it is so, let it be, but let my last words be these: 
"Wake up America! Return to the God this nation was founded on! Take back your country for the right, be willing to defend it til death. Spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ far, to every hood, every ghetto, every city corner. Do not be afraid, for our God is greater than any evil power this world contains. Remember the words echoed down through the years from the birth of this great nation, 'Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death!' Repent of your evil doings, pray for forgiveness, turn to the only True Answer for the problems we face. Turn your eyes upon Jesus."

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life. For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him. He who believes in Him is not judged; he who does not believe has been judged already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God. This is the judgment, that the Light has come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the Light, for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the Light, and does not come to the Light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God." 
-John 3:16-21 (NASB)

Rachel Scarbrough  
June 2, 2015

A Quiet Soul

     I recently had a very stressful several months which led to me on a stretcher in the Emergency Room hooked up to monitors and tubes, with medicine to regulate my heart rate and blood pressure pumping into my veins. Now, if that doesn't make you sit up and take notice, you are going through life with blinders on! For those of us who understand we have been given a blessing in the form of a warning, it means Changes are Coming! I laughed when I typed that. Because I have written that so many times in my past, and I truly meant them each time I wrote them. I am claiming this time to be different. I am not making a long list of what I will change. I am, instead, with much prayer and guidance from above, going to work on being still and listening, not to the questions that bombard us on a minute by minute basis, but to the Answer.  How? This is what I learned from my little brush with my on mortality. I hope it helps you, too in your journey. 

The answer to it all... the stress, the worry, the bills, the kids' needs, the grandbabies' wants, the dishes, the roof that needs fixing, the job concerns, the personal issues that only you and God know.... the answer, I believe, lies in having a Quiet Soul.  When we still ourselves, we can listen, with our Soul, our very being, to the One, the very Being who created us. If we believe, as we are told in Genesis, that we are created in the image of God, then we must believe that our souls are also created in the image of Him. That means all of those little quirks, special ways, unique thoughts, one of a kind outlooks that make you who you are, all of those things, are a reflection of a great and loving Father who delights in each aspect of your uniqueness! We get so caught up in all of the things that take up our time, our thoughts, our energy, that we forget it is only in the stillness that we can hear the deep Truth that lies within us, the meaning, the reason, the innate knowing that our Creator loves each one of us and has a very individual plan for every one of us.  So often, like my recent experience with stress, we find ourselves in a spot that we feel backed into a corner and we tend to resist Jesus when He comes to us gently, softy, longing to heal our broken spirit. Too often we have a false belief in our own abilities to "make it own my own", we feel and believe that we should "be tough" and "take care of business myself."  While there is nothing wrong with being independent, often the independence turns into stubbornness, rebellion, and disobedience. That word, 'disobedience' may offend some of you. I use it deliberately, because while we may not have committed some cardinal sin, some act of overt wrong, when we arrogantly walk through our lives as if we are in control, leaning on our own strengths and wisdom, trusting in our own abilities, we become disobedient to God's word, and to our Savior's calling. Jesus wants an intimate relationship with each of us. He desires to me our Friend, our Brother, our Shepherd.  You cannot have an intimate relationship with Christ if you never spend  time talking to and listening to His Voice.  That means turning off the world, turning off the nagging concerns, the tv, the cell phone, the computer.  Maybe it means turning on the alarm clock a little early, getting up, and spending time in the early morning just getting to know Jesus again. I know it's hard to get up earlier than usual, I treasure my sleep also, but the reward is so much greater than the few minutes sleep you will never miss in eternity!  Find that quiet spot, that place where you are comfortable and feel relaxed. Then just listen. Open your mind, clear your thoughts, and just allow yourself to be.  There are no magic words, no incantations to chant, no special prayers... just let your soul find your Soulmate. Let the beauty, the love, the all powerful holiness of THE GREAT I AM fill you with His presence.  Bask in His glory and love. Feel the filling warmth of your Creator God, the One  who knows you from your most inward parts.  Don't rush.  Listen with your soul, and allow your soul to be touched by the Giver of Life.  This is where you will find your answers to those innermost desires and fears. This is where you will find your path, your direction, your purpose on this journey. Here, in your quiet soul, communing with the Alpha and Omega, the True Lover of your soul.

Be blessed everyone!

Run Between The Raindrops, People Like Us, and taking stock...

     It has been a while since I blogged, due mainly to my lack of savvy and proficiency on a computer. I created a blog site that is not easy to navigate and I don't know how to fix it. Never fear readers, my daughter has promised to "fix" it for me in the near future, so hopefully I will be blogging on a regular basis soon. Having said that, let's get down to real business...

     It has been a busy two years for me. I have moved to another city to be near my cousin/sister, celebrated the birth of my first two grandchildren, taken on a job as a prison nurse to challenge myself, started on a path to true physical fitness, experienced my first cruise, run my first 5K race (in which I can proudly say I placed third in my age group!), and taken myself out of my comfort zone to work as a travel nurse in corrections. Whew! I am exhausted just thinking about it! As you can imagine, I learned quite a lot about life, myself, and what I am really made of inside. Let me share with you what I learned...

     Lesson One. Home is where your heart is. If your heart leads you to the end of a dirt road in a depressed, rural county in one of the poorest Southern States, then follow it all the way to the old frame home that waits in the shade of the Live Oaks at the end of the road. Don't worry that the rest of the world is running to the cities or to exotic foreign places. Your heart will not lead you wrong if you truly listen to it. Sometimes, it is hard to "listen to your heart" because of all the clutter in your mind. In this fast-paced world, it is hard sometimes to find a quiet spot to think, meditate, and find who you really are. My suggestion: Pass a "mental law" in which you set aside a period of time to get alone with yourself. Do Not let Anything interfere with this time short of a real, honest-to-goodness emergency. Leave you cell phone, pager, laptop, and any other communication device at home.  Breathe. Breathe again. Breathe deeply in, then let the breath out from your toes all the way up to your hair.  Close your eyes, breathe slowly and regularly. Bring to mind all of those things that make you feel safe, comfortable, happy, and loved. Then let the picture of that place form as it will in your mind... Bingo! There is your heart's home! Do whatever you can, whatever it takes, to get yourself physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually back to That Place. This is the first step to healing those hurts that you never even allowed yourself to feel. Note: sometimes your "heart's home" is a person more than a place... recognize this, then follow the same steps above to get home...

Lesson Two.  Grandchildren are God's reward for not harming your children, for raising them to be decent, law-abiding citizens, and for surviving all of the hurts, worries, stresses, and gray hairs along the path called parenthood. Enjoy your grandchildren to the fullest... they will grow up before you turn around twice. Cuddle those babies. Play with those toddlers. Listen to those children laugh and play. Laugh and play right along with them. Share all you have learned with those teenagers. Take pride in their accomplishments. Be their Hero, they don't have many in this crazy world today. Your grandchildren are your progeny, your future when you are gone. They will impact the earth and all its inhabitants in either a positive or negative way, ensure as best you can that the positive is brought out in their lives.  You don't have to raise your grandchildren, this is not your job. Your job is to Be There... to be that person who cares like a mother or father, understands like a sibling, and dotes like a favorite aunt/uncle, all wrapped up in their treasured grandmother/grandfather.  Show your grandchildren their future, and teach them about their past, their heritage, their roots. Make sure they fully understand the Reason their ancestors struggled to make life better... for them... Teach those precious ones the values and morals that are essential to a successful society. Most important, teach them about God, and Jesus. Read those old Bible stories to them, explaining as you do the truths and promises that are their inheritance from God. Leave an inheritance of truth, health, faith, morality, and love to them. Teach them good work ethics and the value of an education. When you are whacking at the weeds and vines that impede your path in life, clear your path well enough so that your grandchildren can clearly see and follow.

Lesson Three.  Challenge yourself from time to time, it keeps life interesting and helps you grow, even when you are old. When you find yourself rolling along on autopilot, disconnect the cruise control, turn the wheel, and press the gas pedal!  It sounds crazy, and it is scary, but the rewards are worth it.  It is amazing what a change of scenery, whether in your personal, social, or work environment, can do for your perspective.  When we no longer have challenges on the road we walk, boredom follows quickly. Boredom is deadly, as it leads to apathy and discontent.  Shake up the "snow globe" and enjoy the view of another way of life from time to time. Take your vacation somewhere very different, somewhere not so comfortable. Backpack in the Rockies, or volunteer to help build a house with Habitat For Humanity.  Go with the Sunday School class from a different church to feed the homeless, or on a mission trip to a third world country. Shake up your work environment, even if it means changing from your "comfortable position" in the job you have held for twenty years to being the "new kid on the block" in a totally new and different work environment. Retirement isn't everything. Who wants to retire from a boring work life to a boring retirement life? Not me. While there is something to be said for safety, security, and a sure thing, the memories you will make are priceless, and the blessings you reap from being willing to change your world are endless. None of us can take any money with us,  and we will have plenty of time to rest and retire when we lie in a silk-lined coffin. Challenge yourself... I dare you.

Lesson Four.  Take care of your body. It is the only one you will get on this earth. Step one revolves around good nutrition. Feed your body healthy, wholesome, nutritious foods. Avoid processed foods, chemical additives, and artificial colorings/flavorings and preservatives as much as possible. Avoid making your body a waste dump for junk food and unnecessary toxic chemicals. Remember, God's Word says your body is the temple of God, and admonishes us to present our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to Him. 

The second step is exercise. Now, this doesn't mean you have to go run a marathon or join a gym. I look at physical exercise as simply a matter of physics. If you let something sit, without using or moving it, it will lose the ability to function properly (think about a rusty door hinge...) It is the same with your body. If you don't move those joints, exercise those muscles, stretch those limbs, they will lose their ability to Move and Function properly. Walk, fast paced, three times a week. Join a yoga class, take karate with your kids, attend a low impact aerobics class, buy a membership to a fitness club or a pool, or, yes, invest in a treadmill/other exercise equipment.  The benefits you reap from maintaining good physical fitness are endless (better sleep/rest, less pain, toned body, increased energy, better concentration/thinking skills), not to mention the ability to keep up with those precious grandbabies while you play with them! 

Sleep is the third and most important step (in my opinion) to obtaining/maintaining physical health. When you are sleep deprived, you lose concentration, energy, and motivation to do anything, especially exercise. Invest in a good mattress. It will be one of the most important purchases you ever make. Find the one that allows you to completely relax, while supporting your body completely. The proper mattress should allow you to sleep without waking to reposition, and to awaken feeling rested and refreshed, ideally without pain. Buy good sheets, the kind that don't "ball up" or "move around" on the bed when you sleep. Your sheets should complement and add to your rest.  The rule of thumb is, the higher the thread count, the better quality the sheets. When you find the perfect sheets, buy several sets in varying colors that make you happy. (I personally hate white sheets. I am a nurse and they remind me of hospitals and sick people.) You will be surprised how much the color of your sheets can affect your sleep/rest. Decorate your sleep area in a manner that promotes relaxation/rest. If you work at night and sleep in the daytime like me, invest in good quality "black out curtains". Your body produces a certain chemical/hormone during the daytime that keeps you in a more awake and alert mode. Conversely, a different hormone/chemical is produced at night to promote sleep. When you reverse the normal sleep times, it is important to take this into account, and to make your sleep area as dark as possible to facilitate a restful sleep.

Lesson Five.  Leave the stresses of everyday life and work behind at least once a year for a week and take a real vacation. Our ancestors knew the value of this. If you study social history, you will discover that the family vacation was planned for and expected among all walks of life.  Leave your cell phone, laptop, Ipad, pager, or any other form of communication to your work or other daily stressors at home.  The world can and will go on without your input and help for a week. The best vacation I ever took was on a Caribbean cruise this past year. Why? Not because of the fun I had, the places I saw, or the things I did. It was because I had no cell phone reception, internet, or other connection to "the world" for a whole week. After I quit stressing over it near the end of the second day, I began to treasure and value being "unplugged" from the outside world. It sounds simple, but the benefits to your mind, soul, spirit, and body are priceless. Try it once, and you will find yourself repeating it again and again...  Just like the "off" button on computers, radios, televisions, and phones, we all need to "turn off" and allow our bodies and minds to rest and "defragment."

Lesson Six.  Every once in a while, compete... against a set group of people, your peers, or yourself. Set a goal and take the steps to accomplish it. Whether it is a physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual competition doesn't matter. It is in pitting yourself, in one way or another, against a set "adversary" that we learn what we are (and aren't!) made of. When we compete, we challenge ourselves. Even if we don't place first, there is satisfaction in the process. We discover hidden talents, strengths, and weaknesses in ourselves when we take part in a competition. Competition challenges us to become better, to strive to win, to push ourselves to limits we formerly thought impossible. It is in competing that we experience "the thrill of victory" or the "agony of defeat". Both victory and defeat are important life lessons to learn, the first to give us hope, and the latter to teach us humility. 

Lesson Seven. Be happy. It sounds so simple, and it is. Happiness isn't accidental. It doesn't just happen. It is the result of learning lessons, realizing truths, and being content. Happiness comes from within first. If you aren't happy with the person inside, you won't be happy with the world outside.  Happiness and acceptance go hand in hand. You cannot be happy if you cannot accept that the world and the people in it are not perfect. Accept that there are things you cannot (and probably should not) change. Accept that there will be good days and bad days, and that the world doesn't revolve around you. Accept, most of all, that the world is not fair, and whoever said it is, lied. When you learn to accept the negatives in this world for what they are, you become more able to appreciate the positives that exist on equal but opposite planes. Appreciation is the first step toward true happiness. Another key element of happiness is to develop and maintain a positive attitude. Look for the silver lining around the storm clouds. Find the positive that exists in every negative, and promote it. Count your blessings, literally. Write them down. You will be surprised how many "blessings" we take for granted, overlook, and fail to appreciate every single day. Visit the sick in the hospital, the forgotten elderly in the nursing homes, the tossed away souls in prison... you will quickly realize how very blessed you truly are. It is in realizing our blessings in every thing, that we find our happiness. Determine to be happy. Think happy thoughts. And don't forget to SMILE....

Lesson Eight. Stick together. Always have your family/friend's back. Be their shoulder to cry on, their good advice when they don't know what to do, their friend among the enemy, their voice when the trials of life leave them speechless. We are all human, we are all imperfect people living in an imperfect world. We all have flaws, good and bad traits, kindness and evil in us, and we all have the ability to love or hate. We are all born, and we will all die. I'm going to borrow a few verses from one of my favorite run songs to explain this one better. It's called "People Like Us" by Kelly Clarkson...

"Hey... everybody loses it,

Everybody wants to throw it all away sometimes.

And hey... yeah I know what you're going through

Don't let it get the best of you,

you'll make it out alive

Oh

People like us, we've gotta stick together

Keep your head up, nothing lasts forever.

Here's to the damned, to the lost and forgotten

It's hard to get high when you're living on the bottom.

 We are all misfits living in a world on fire

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us.

You've just gotta turn it up loud 

when the flames get higher

Sing it for the people like us, the people like us..."

Lesson Nine.  Run Between The Raindrops. I recently added this song by Pat Benatar to my "run playlist". It is such a beautiful song, and the words are so true. I am going to borrow the words from this song as lesson nine:

"It's always one thing or another, seems like we never get ahead

Reaching out for the brass ring, and landing in the dirt instead.

We can't get past yesterday, we're only counting down from ten

It seems like every move we make, brings us back where we began.

You've gotta run between the raindrops

If you wanna see the sun.

Run, run, run, between the raindrops

Run between the raindrops, if you wanna see the sun.

Run, run, run, - run baby run.

Somewhere there's a sun that's shining

Somewhere we'll find a life that's good

Some way I'm gonna make it happen

Just like you always knew I could.

We're treading water on a river of tears

And I don't know what to do.

I can take a beating, but I ain't gonna let it happen to you.

You've gotta run between the raindrops

If you wanna see the sun. 

run, run, run, between the raindrops

Run between the raindrops, if you wanna see the sun.

You gotta run, run, run - run baby run."

Be Happy.....

Love and blessings,

Mustang Memories

Remembering Jane

     Quietly, almost without notice, a lady named Jane recently passed from this life. The earth did not stand still, the sun did not stop shining, and there was no media coverage of her life and times. In fact, few except her family and close friends were even aware of her final breaths being taken as she passed from this life into the next. You wonder why I chose to pay tribute to this woman whom few knew, a woman who had neither fame nor fortune, whose world was contained within a few square miles of her home on a dirt road in the rural South. She was neither my mother nor my sister, in fact, it had been several years since I had seen Jane. Her passing will not change my day to day life, but she will be missed every day.  When I learned of her death, I was surprised at how much it affected me, how monumental her life seemed now that she was no longer living.  Let me share with you a few things from this quiet, simple lady's life that made her truly great.  Allow me to tell you about Sarah Jane Carter, my former mother-in-law, whom my children called "Granny", and everyone else called "Jane"...

     When I first met Jane, she was in her late fifties, already a grandmother, with most of her life behind her.  She lived at the end of a dirt road in Choctaw County, Alabama in a small frame house.  I remember like it was yesterday driving up to her house for the first time.  It was late Spring, and her yard was in full bloom with shrubs and flowers of every color and fragrance.  There were about a million honeybees swarming around, drinking nectar and pollinating everything, and I  was pretty nervous about getting stung by them.  Jane was out in her yard working in one of her many flower beds, wearing this huge straw hat, in a pair of faded blue jeans and gardener's gloves, smiling the biggest smile I had ever seen.  It is this picture I see in my mind whenever I think of her now.  She always had a smile, and she loved working in her yard.  She waved to me to get out, said, "Don't mind the bees, they won't sting you if you don't bother them. They're just doing their job,"  and she invited me to "come on in out of the sun and cool off."  I guess this was the first, and best, advice she ever gave me... not to bother things that aren't bothering you.  I followed her to a huge porch on the back of her house and sat down beside her on the porch swing. I had only been dating her son for a few days, but she made me feel like I had known her all of my life.  Over time, I learned that Jane's back porch was the social hub of her house, where problems were discussed and wonderful home cooked food was consumed in large quantities.  While we talked there on her porch that day, several of her children and grandchildren came in and out to visit, to borrow something, or just to check me out.  I was struck by how obviously happy she was to see each and every one of them, and it was very apparent that her family was her world.  That is the first real thing I learned from Jane ... family is everything.  I ended up marrying and later divorcing her son, but I can say this...  Jane always made me feel like part of her family, and she always greeted me with a big smile whenever I saw her in the years that followed.  I will cherish that forever.

     As I got to know this gentle southern lady, I was impressed by her work ethic.  She didn't have a job that she went to every day. In fact, she did not work at a job the entire time I knew her.  She was on disability when I met her due to health issues and pain that she lived with on a daily basis, but she was never idle.  From early in the morning until the sun set every evening, Jane was busy. She kept a spotless house in spite of a multitude of children and adults who passed through every day.  She didn't own a dishwasher or a microwave when I first knew her, and she didn't have central air or heat.  She swept her bare wood floors with an old straw broom, and mopped using an old-fashioned string mop. Most of her possessions were quaint and out-dated, and her clothes were mainly old and faded , but I never heard her complain or wish for more.  Jane Carter knew the meaning of being content, and she was truly at peace with her simple way of life.  That is not to say that she was untidy or sloppy in any way, she was very neat, clean, and one of the most orderly people I knew.  She kept herself to a scheduled routine, and she got more done in eight hours than I could do in a week.  

     In the very early Spring, Jane would begin her garden preparations, and she toiled in the hot southern sun nearly every day through the summer, growing vegetables in one of her gardens.  The first year I knew her, she decided to break up the "new ground."  When I volunteered to help, I had no idea the amount of work I was getting into.  That ground started out covered in weeds, bushes, thorns, and rocks. By the time she planted the first seeds, it was a beautifully cleared, nicely rowed garden patch, and she didn't use a tractor or any other machinery to do it.  I am still amazed when I consider the back-breaking work she did at her age using just a hoe, a shovel, a rake, and an ax.  That was the second thing I learned from Jane... hard work wins every time.  Throughout the growing season, she could be found either in the garden working, on her back porch shelling peas and butter beans, or in her kitchen canning and freezing the many vegetables she had grown. She made jellies and jams by the cases, and she was always giving me jars of preserves or some other treat she had made.  Her chow-chow was famous among her family members, and my children to this day love some of her recipes that she shared with me.  I am forever grateful I took the time to learn how to make her "spiced cucumber rings", as these are an absolute favorite of my kids.  

     I remember there was an old car in Jane's yard that she had inherited upon her sister's death.  It sat like an ornament, rusty and unused, and I couldn't understand why she didn't drive it.  I asked her about it one day not long after I first met her,  and she replied, "Oh, I don't know how to drive. I never got my license."  I was amazed.  I didn't know Anyone else who couldn't drive, and it blew my mind that she didn't feel the need to drive.  Her children would come and take her wherever she needed to go, or pick up things she needed in town.  She did eventually try to learn, at the urging of some of her family, but she gave it up after a few times.  I asked her why, and she just smiled and shrugged.  I never fully understood her reluctance in this matter.  Maybe her world was just complete enough, or maybe she felt everything moved too fast already. Whatever the reason, she was never unhappy about not driving, and she always had everything she needed. I learned the meaning of real contentment from Jane... and that true happiness comes not from external sources, but from inside of you.

     As I got to know her through the years, I learned a lot about what made Jane the strong woman she was.   She had a hard life as a child growing up in North Alabama.  (It seemed when she talked about living there that it was a completely different and foreign country, and I always capitalize North Alabama in my mind, the way she did when she spoke of it.)  She married a man named Leon Carter as a young woman, and moved to Choctaw County, where she raised nine children successfully, and mostly by herself.  Her husband was a difficult man who made her life hard in the earlier years of their marriage.  They separated but never divorced, and when I met her, he was living down the road in a small shack house he built.  They had a very different type of relationship, one I never fully understood, or liked.  But Jane had her own ideas of right and wrong, fair and unfair.  Almost every morning, he would come over with a dozen eggs and a slab of bacon, and she would cook breakfast for him. She would say, "Cooking for him doesn't cost me anything but time, and I have plenty of that."  I could tell they still cared for each other in their own way, in spite of their many disagreements and differences.  This was another thing I learned from Jane... to find a way to get along with people and make the best of situations and relationships instead of throwing them away completely, and to live by your own rules if you feel they are right.

     One of the highlights of the week in Jane's world was Sunday dinner.  She would plan the menu all week, and one or more of her children usually provided the meat for the big family meal.  She would start preparing on Saturday afternoon, and she would cook until dark, then start again bright and early Sunday morning.  Her kitchen was small, but she really put out a spread for everyone.  The family would gather on her back porch on Sunday at noon for fellowship and good food. My mouth still waters when I think of her fried chicken, crispy and juicy with just the right amount of browning.  Nobody before or since have I met who could fry chicken like Jane, it was an art form for her.  My other favorite was her chocolate cake. She made it from scratch, with real cocoa, and she made this white frosting to go on top that was absolutely divine.  I am not a big cake lover, but that chocolate cake with white frosting won me over every time.  Jane's cornbread was another treat. Sometimes she would add different ingredients to it, and I was never disappointed. My all time favorite was when she would add home made pork cracklins to it... man, was that stuff good.  I remember when I was pregnant with my son, she would call me up and say, "I made some of that cracklin cornbread you love, come and get you a piece."  I never passed up the opportunity to walk over and share in that goodness with her, sitting on the porch swing talking about the little things that were important to us.  I treasure some of the talks we had then, and I truly miss that in my life now.  At the time, I didn't realize how special that was, or how important that lesson would be later on... to always make time for the little things, because it's the little things that matter most. Thank you, Jane, for always making time for me, and forgive me for not making more time for you.

     Whenever I think of times I spent with Jane, one of the things that always stands out in my memory is that she almost always had a small child with her.  Part of this was because she had nine children of her own, and most of them had at least two or more kids, which she babysat for at one time or another.  "Granny" as they called her, had a huge part in the raising of many of her grandchildren, and she truly loved being a part of their lives.  Whether it was a newborn baby or a five year old, she had the gentle patience of Job.  I never recall her raising her voice or getting angry, but all of her children and grandchildren respected and adored her.  She was the type of grandmother who would cuddle the babies, play with the toddlers, and listen intently to the teenagers, giving advice when needed, or just a shoulder to cry on.  I remember when I was first dating her son, my little girl was a little over a year old.  I was nervous about how she would treat her, since she wasn't her flesh and blood grandchild.  I needn't have worried, there was enough room in Jane's heart and world for my daughter to be loved plenty, and that big heart of hers just took her in.  Later, when my son was born, she welcomed him into the fold with those same open arms that she embraced all of her family with.  Being a Granny was one of the pure joys of her life, and she always had some kind of special treat for the little ones when they came to see her.  I remember she told me onetime, "Babies and little kids just want to be loved. If you love them, they will always love you back." Wow, how profound that is! How wise she was to understand that simple truth, that love is always  the answer.  This was the greatest lesson I ever learned from Jane, and I pray my children and grandchildren will always know that same kind of unconditional love from me.

     I mentioned at the beginning of this how much she loved to work in her yard, and I want to say more now.  Jane's yard was a horticultural showcase. She gave new meaning to the phrase "green thumb", and I never knew her to plant anything that didn't thrive.  Her flowering shrubs, trees, and plants were beautiful to behold, and she was happiest when she was among them.  She toiled in the hot sun or in the drizzling rain, whatever it took, and it was an absolute labor of love.  I guess it was this love of flowering things that made me feel so at home with her, because my own mother shares that same love.  In fact, back then, when my mother visited, she often went over to Jane's house to chat and admire her flower beds,  and most times she came away with a sprig or a cutting of something to plant in her own yard.  Jane was a self-taught expert on most flowering plants and nearly all trees. If I needed to know the name of something, I just called her up and she would tell me anything I wanted to know about it.  Even years later, when I happened to drop by one day, I was telling her how much I wanted to find a Scaly Bark Hickory Tree.  Jane proceeded to describe exactly to me what one looked like, what kind of leaf it had, and where in the woods near her house I could find one.  I ventured out there in those woods, and sure enough, there were little Hickory saplings right where she said they would be.  This from a lady who had not been able to go into those woods for several years due to health problems! I was so impressed, but when I said something about it, she just brushed it off like it was nothing.  We spent a few minutes on her porch that day talking over old times, discussing children and grandchildren and a hundred other important little things.   She was still the same quiet, gentle lady that I had met over 20 years before, and she still made me feel like I had come home.  I guess that was the last time I saw Jane, standing on her porch on a Spring morning, with her big straw hat on, wearing her faded jeans, smiling and waving to me, with her yard in full bloom, and the bees buzzing all around.... she was a lady out of time, timeless in her own way.  I drove away feeling blessed, and I was... blessed to have had this wonderful, kind lady be a part of my life.

     When my daughter called me to tell me of Jane's passing, it was this picture that came to my mind.  I thought how much I would miss her, miss knowing she was there, at the end of a dirt road, tending her flowers.  She never owned a computer, had no idea of Facebook, the internet, or email. She still had an old timey land line phone, she never had a driver's license or a passport, and her world was lived mostly within a 10 mile radius of her home.  In so many of the  ways that we measure success today, she didn't add up.  This I can say from the bottom of my heart, though.... Sarah Jane Carter was a successful woman in every way that mattered.  She was a rare and special lady, a dying breed of true Southern Gentlewomen, and the world seems a little colder, a little emptier without her. Always, I will remember Jane and the lessons I learned from her, and always I will miss her... 

Jane, doing what she loved best,
holding a baby... here with my
newborn son in  August, 1988. 

     

Picking Blackberries And Reminiscing

     For the past several weeks I have been picking blackberries out at the pasture where I have my two Mustang horses.  I first noticed them back in March when they were beautiful blooms on a Spring day. I promised myself then that I would make sure to harvest them when they ripened in the Summer, and here I am... picking blackberries in the Southern Heat.  You really have to want those things to put forth the work (and pain!) required to enjoy them. Enduring  the bad to get the good reward takes me back to my childhood many times, but nothing does it like Picking Blackberries... 

     First of all, there is the Heat... it is in the 90's here now, and that sun beats down hard when I am standing there for several hours with no shade. Sweat just pours off of me, and I usually look like I took a bath with my clothes on by the time I leave!  When I was a kid, we were very poor, and most of what we ate came out of our gardens or was harvested from nature.  Late Spring and early Summer brought huckleberries (like a wild blueberry), plums, and my favorite - Blackberries. Seemed like it was always the doggone hottest day of the summer when Mama would tell us we were going to pick them. My sisters and I would get old tin buckets we kept for things like that and head out behind Mama, walking to the blackberry patches that could be found scattered throughout our land.  We normally went barefoot in the summer, but since thorns and briars had to be dealt with, we would put on flip-flops or some other sandal shoes to protect our feet. Shorts and a tank top was the rest of the required uniform. Bottled water didn't exist back then, but Mama always brought a thermos of Kool-Aid or tea, and water in a jug. The blackberries back then were huge and juicy, and we usually ate several handfuls first before we put any in our buckets. Mmmm... that taste of warm, sweet blackberries in the summer just cannot be beat!  It would be so hot, and you would get so itchy and grimy picking berries. When we finished picking, many times Mama would let us go swim in the pond or wade in the creek to cool off.  There is no shower that can refresh you like a dip in a pond or creek on a hot summer day after spending several hours in the broiling sun. It was worth the heat to feel that first splash of water on you, with the blue sky overhead, the sounds and smells of country summer all around, and the feeling that Life Was Good.

     Second, there are the bugs... ugh... I am a country girl but I really detest bugs! I still have to prepare myself and set my mind to get ready for the plagues of critters that must be dealt with in order to harvest those blackberries! There are pesky, never ending flies that buzz round and round your head and make you generally crazy trying to swat them and pick berries at the same time. Occasionally, a really big, nasty horse fly lands on you and bites... AARRGGHHH! Those things hurt like nobody's business, and the icky part is you have to swat and squish them on you while they are biting, or they will Eat you alive! Another vicious attacker is the armies of Fire Ants that will silently crawl all over you, then, at the same time, all of them will bite you.... WHAAAA!!!! They call those buggers Fire ants for a reason, cause it feels like you are on fire when they chomp down on tender, sunburnt skin... I still cringe when I remember some of my nasty encounters with those mighty monsters.  My most dreaded insect to encounter was the stink bug. I am an adult now, but I still do a shrieking, jumping-up-and-down dance when one of those buggers gets on me. The worst ones are the big brown ones... if they bite you, they can do real damage to your body and mind!  They excrete this crazy odor that you instantly recognize, and which causes you to start to get all paranoid while trying to identify where the culprit is, and if it is a stink bug or... a rattlesnake... because the odor is the same.  I have done serious harm to myself while surrounded by thorny blackberry vines, freaking out at the smell of one of them, trying to dislodge my hair and skin from the briars while vainly trying not to drop my bucket of blackberries as I exit the patch.  Then there were those insects that you couldn't see, but you knew they lived in the Blackberry Patch and had made a new home on your body about 2 hours after you got home... REDBUGS!!!! ITCH... ITCH... ITCH!!!! (You Yankees know them as chiggers.)  Ugh... I have nearly become a nervous, scratching wreck as a kid from those vicious little critters!  We tried all kinds of cures, preventatives, and old folk remedies, but there was only one sure fired way to get rid of those pests... Strip down outside in bright sunlight and let Mama remove them with her trusty old safety pin! Even after they were removed, you would have whelps that itched for a solid week. Absolutely nothing would prevent them getting on you, and nothing but time would stop that horrible itch. (Thank goodness today I have found several natural remedies {Young Living Essential Oils} that prevent those microscopic maniacs from getting on me!)  The worse place to get a redbug bite was in your privates... GEEZE!!! You had two choices then... ITCH or scratch like a pervert!!!! Many are the times I have suffered horribly in silence to maintain my respectability and dignity. Ahh, the memories...

     Third, are the Snakes... and snakes can be found very frequently in blackberry patches, especially rattlesnakes.  I am pretty sure it is because many other animals (rats, birds, etc) come to eat the berries, and the snakes come to eat Them.  I have only ever seen 3 rattlesnakes in a blackberry patch (one was just last week... a big six foot Eastern Diamondback that scared the beegeezus outta me and added 10 years worth of gray hairs to my head... as I had no weapon handy, I let it go it's way, or rather, I went MY WAY)... but the threat is real and very scary, especially as you are wearing shorts and flip-flops and are stuck in a briar patch from which you cannot extricate yourself easily...  The few occasions a snake is spotted, or heard, it goes like this... "WAAAAHHHHH.... SNAKE!!!!!!!... WAAAAHHHHHHHH... MAMA!!!!"... followed by much crashing, screeching, crying, and thudding as all buckets are Dropped and everyone Quickly Exits the blackberry patch with bleeding scratches on their faces, hands, and legs. Mama would restore order, while the offender was identified. Most of the time, it was a limb, vine, or some other object that looked like a snake to the terrified and paranoid kid, but some times... If indeed it was a snake, and deemed poisonous, a HOLY WAR was declared on it... commencing with grabbing the hoe (which was always kept handy for just such an occasion) and beating the Hell out of the reptile in question until it no longer moved. Then, it was dragged out and examined by us kids, exclaimed over, measured, and usually hung on a nearby tree limb to warn all the other snakes in the vicinity to Stay Away!  Finding a Snake in the blackberry patch was the highlight of our summer....

     And of course, last, but not least, the biggest and baddest thing about the Blackberry Patch was those dadgummed thorns and briars. For sheer torture, nothing can be compared to sunburnt skin being ripped open by a big, thorny, clinging vine that cuts right through like a chainsaw. There is a mild, toxic poison on them, too, that causes the injured area to burn for several minutes afterward. Of course it bleeds, which attracts even more flies and gnats.... When I was a child, I was convinced every summer that I would remain scarred on my legs for life from encounters with those vines. And my fingers, ooohhhh how my fingers suffered from those nasty little briars digging deep into the soft fleshy pads.  For a solid week after you pick them, you find sore spots on your fingers, and you're removing tiny thorns and briars from tender areas. God help you if you slip or lose your flip-flops and step on one of those horrible vines... EEEKKKK... AAAAGGGGHHHH....  This requires Immediate Attention, for which you must gingerly (and usually with only one foot) walk/hop out of the patch while not dropping your bucket of berries.  Mama always kept a big safety pin on her for this type of surgery, which sounded like this, "Keep your foot still so I can git it out... OUCH... MAMA! That HURTS!... HOLD STILL... you younguns, one of you grab her hands and the other get her leg so I can git this thang out.... OOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!... See, that wasn't bad, all yo' hollerin' and carryin' on like I was killin' you!" 

     Child limps back to retrieve her bucket and carry on picking blackberries, swearing to all that is precious that she Will Not, Absolutely Will Not, EVER, EVER, EVER!... pick blackberries when she grows up... Adult, who grew up, laughs at the memories, and reaches to pick that great big, juicy blackberry just out of her grasp...

I'm getting married, mama... (Words for my son while floating in the pool)

     I was preparing for a quiet night swim last Saturday, April 28th when my phone rang out the ringtone I knew belonged to my son, Joshua.  I am always happy to hear from either of my children, but I hadn't talked to him in about a week, so I was really glad he was calling.  We talked for several minutes, me asking the usual "mom" questions... how are you? how is college? is your truck running ok now? He answered all of my questions and then told me about a new job he had gotten. I decided this was why he had called, and we discussed the new job and how he would fit it into his college schedule.  My son, who I must say is the Master of Cool, finally said, "Well, I've got some other really good news to tell you.... I'm getting married Mama. I asked Chelsea to marry me tonight."  Having previously decided he had shared all of the "news" with me, you can believe I was floored! I think I screamed so loud the grass jumped! I really, really like the new fiancee (I had actually been concerned he might let this one get away), so of course I was ecstatic!  We talked for a while about the wedding plans, I talked to my future daughter-in-law, congratulated them both, and generally did a happy dance all over the pool area.  After we hung up, I called all of my family with my great news, getting happier and happier all the while....  I was so keyed up 2 hrs later when I finally went for my delayed swim, that I did laps for a couple hours. While I lay floating, gazing up at the stars, I replayed all those "little boy moments" from my son's life. I smiled, cried, laughed, and thanked God Above for putting my son in my life. And I thought of all I wanted to tell him, all I hoped he had learned and remembered, and all he meant to me. These are my words to my youngest child, my little boy who grew up to be a man, a soldier, and now soon a husband.... 

     My Son...

     I remember the day I found out you were gonna be born... I laughed and cried at the same time.  I tried so hard to convince myself I would be happy with a boy or a girl. Your sister was almost 2 yrs old, and I loved having a girl, but I only wanted one more child, and I prayed so hard that God would give me a little boy to love this time... You see son, I grew up with all sisters, and I wanted your sister to have a brother as much as I wanted to know the joys of raising a boy.  My pregnancy was a difficult one, you know all of the details, and when we had to have other tests and procedures done, your daddy and I decided we wanted to know whether we were having a girl or a boy.  I still remember the exact feeling of intense joy when I found out you were a boy... I screamed loudly then, too!  I started buying all kinds of cool "boy toys" and camouflage baby clothes. I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be having a boy to go with the little girl I already had!  

     When your daddy and I started picking out names, I knew I wanted your name to mean something special, for me and for you.  After a lot of thought, we finally settled on your name, "Joshua Thomas".  We took the name Joshua from the Old Testament in the Bible. Joshua was a distinguished, courageous man who helped Moses lead the Israelites to the Promised Land.  Because of his belief and faith in God's leading, he was one of the two men (Caleb, you remember, was the other) who had left Egypt, whom God allowed to go into the Promised Land.  He became a great warrior, and led the Israelites to victory in many battles, one of the most famous was the battle of Jericho... you should re-read that story.  As I reflect on this, I realize how very right that name is for you. You are a great leader, and a very courageous soldier.  I know I have told you many, many times how proud of you I am for serving your country as a Soldier in the United States Army. Your mama is a patriotic "nut", I have always cried when the flag waved pretty in the breeze, or when the National Anthem was played.  Seeing you sworn in to the Armed Forces was such a proud moment for me, and I went from being a "patriotic nut" to an "Army Mom".  Watching you grow into the strong, well-mannered, brave young man you have become has been one of my greatest blessings in life.  My hardest day came when you deployed to Afghanistan last year... my very heart felt like it had been wrenched out of my chest and stomped on. It was only because I knew you absolutely knew what you were doing, and that you were completely willing to go, that I could let go of you, turn away from looking into your eyes, and watch you get on that bus... I am in tears just remembering.  That was the longest year of my life, I never prayed so hard. I know it was tough over there, and that you've seen things no person should ever have to see. I just want you to know, if ever you need to talk about any of it, or if ever you feel overwhelmed with the memories, I will always be here for you. I cannot begin to comprehend what it must have been like, but I can listen and hold your hand if you need me. I well remember the day I picked you up from Camp Shelby when you got back, and you spoke those sweet words to me, "Mama, I am Honorably Discharged!"  I rejoiced that you made it back, and that you never had to go back. Had you decided to stay in, I would have supported you all the way, but I must say I am glad you didn't.  Once again, just let me say, "Welcome Home Soldier, I am Proud of You, My Son!..... HOOAAHH!"

     Your middle name was a little tougher, but your dad and I finally agreed on "Thomas".  That name came from several people in our family, as well as from the New Testament in the Bible.  The first person you were named after, and with whom you are most familiar, is your Papaw Thomas Edward Kittrell, my father.  Since my dad never had any boys, I wanted to continue his name in your name. I know you have been a great joy to him, and have made him very proud.  The second person you were named for, whom you nor I ever met, was my great-grandfather, Samuel Thomas Alawine (your great-great-grandfather).  He was my grandmother  (Mamaw's mother) Sylvia Dell Alawine Scarbrough's father.  You know I named your sister for her, but did you ever really know I named you for him?  My mamaw loved her daddy so much, and she told me many, many stories about him when I was growing up.  He, along with his father, built the little church over near the old home place called Alawine Springs Church of God on October 4, 1947.  The community I grew up in was named after them, Alawine Springs Community. He was a God-fearing, nature loving, hard working man who lived from May 8, 1874 til August 10, 1952, which made him 78 when he died.  He, along with his wife Maggie Skinner Alawine, raised 14 children through post Civil War South, the turn of the 20th century, the Great Depression, and two World Wars.  That in itself is a great feat of accomplishment! (It was all I could do to raise you and your sister!)  Never forget this part of your family Josh, they were great people, and they influenced so much of who I am today, as well as who you are.  And, last, you were named for the disciple Thomas in the New Testament, known as "Doubting Thomas", or Didymus (which means "twin", and so does the name Thomas). He was called "Doubting Thomas" because when he was first told about Jesus' resurrection, he doubted the story and said he wouldn't believe it unless he saw the scars in Jesus' hands.  He did later see those scars, and fell at Jesus' feet proclaiming "My Lord and my God" (John 20:28) . Later, he was perhaps the only apostle who went outside the Roman Empire to preach the Gospel. He is also believed to have crossed the largest area, including the Parthian Empire and India.  The apostle Thomas was born in the 1st century AD in Galilee, and died December 21, 72 AD in India.  He was a builder, or architect, as well as a teacher, preacher, disciple/apostle of Christ, and considered a great authority of Christ's teachings.  Read about the Apostle Thomas, there is much to be learned from him and his life.

     So, you see, you hold a great heritage in your names. Many people believe our names help to shape who we become.  This was very true also in Biblical times, when a child was named for his characteristics, or a special event surrounding his/her birth.  Study and learn all about your namesakes, Josh, and strive to honor them in all that you do and say.

     I've told you a little about your birth and your namesakes, now let me tell you some of my thoughts about your life...
     You were such a cute, fat little baby with the biggest smile! When you were very small, your were quiet (you still are), and was content to play quietly in your crib. When I would come into the room to get you out, you would always smile so big and reach for me and blow little spit bubbles! I used to laugh so hard at that.  You had a huge appetite as a baby (still do!) and I remember daddy and I would buy close to 75 jars of baby food a week. People used to think we were buying for the whole month when we went grocery shopping!  Your favorite baby foods were sweet potatoes, blueberries,  and cherry-vanilla pudding.  I remember by the time you were 6 months old you were nearly as big as your 3 yr old sister.  When you were a toddler you idolized your sister, she was your big hero! Everything you did, you would say, "Look at me Sybie (you couldn't say Sylvia)!"  You were so adorable, following her everywhere. You loved soap bubbles, and would play in your little Ninja Turtle pool for hours with the bubble wand, screaming with laughter when you made bubbles.  I have the cutest video of you and Sylvia playing with soap bubbles one summer when you were about 3, and you would yell, "Bubbles, Sybie, bubbles!"  Another time, I remember your sister got a new bike for Christmas. She was riding it down the driveway, crashing into my car to stop, every time.  You watched her for a few minutes, then went and got this huge tree limb, held it up behind your head like horns, and went running after her down the driveway yelling at the top of your lungs, "I'm a deer, look Sybie, I'm a deer!"   God, you were so cute, and so full of the joy of life! Those memories are so precious to me, they make me smile and cry at the same time.  

     As you got older, you turned into my little mad scientist.  One time, you came in the house with all these whelps on your arm, and strange little symbols and numbers beside each whelp.  When I asked you what you were doing, you calmly replied, "I'm conducting an experiment."  You went on to explain to me that you had let different ants bite you, and you had this whole list written down about each ant. It was divided into categories, and you were grading each ant on things like which one bit the longest, which one hurt the most, and which one made the biggest whelp!  I was impressed with your research, but dismayed with your methods!  Your sister used to get so upset when you used her hair barrettes to pin your bugs down with! Do you remember when you and Sylvia burned the hole in the floor and roof of the playhouse conducting one of your famous "experiments"? It's a wonder you didn't blow yourselves up!  Another of my favorite memories of your childhood was of all your critters and animals... Seemed like we had everything living in that house with us that God ever created!  My favorite of the critters was Ivan the Iguana. I remember how we fixed up his home so cool, and how we would walk him with his little harness on!  It was thanks to you, son, that I learned an iguana actually can have a personality and interact with humans. Remember how he loved to sit in you lap and let you stroke the top of his head with his eyes closed, looking for all the world like he was smiling!?  Another critter I remember so well was the garter snake.  He was so cool, but I couldn't stand watching him eat earthworms! I still  remember the day you came through the house looking for something nonchalantly, trying so hard not to look worried.  I asked you what you were looking for and you said, "just something".  After 3 trips through the house, I got serious and said "you better tell me what you lost".  You looked at me so calmly and very seriously said the words that freaked me out... "The snake got loose and I can't find him."  WHAT???!!!!  We looked that house over for that thing, not because I was afraid of him, but because I was Not going to bed and have it crawl in the sheets with me!  Remember where we found him?.... hiding under his aquarium tank!  I still laugh at that one (Sylvia never got over it I think).  One of my very fondest memories was the moths... oh, the million moths! You had gone out and collected all these little cocoons, and you had them All in your bedroom.  You couldn't wait til they hatched out! I didn't give them much thought until I was awakened one morning by a million moths flying around my head! All of those cocoons had hatched during the night, and they were all little brown moths!  It took us half the morning to get those things out of the house.  Then there was Mr. Coon the raccoon... I still have the scar where he bit my knuckle on my finger trying to get my ring off! He was cool, though, and so smart!  Ahh, the memories of your critters... the snake, spider (which I hated and was deathly afraid of), scorpion (which I hated more than the spider), ghecko (that ate Live crickets that chirped All The Time!), rabbit (ugh, that smell), and the countless cats and dogs.  Our first little Pomeranian, Rusty, became your best friend/security blanket. He went everywhere with you, and I remember how all three of us cried like little babies for hours the day he got run over. Then there was Stormy, and last, Willie, whom I recently buried alone.  And then, there was Chocco...  Every boy needs one good dog growing up, and I guess Chocco was yours. From the very first, you two had such a special bond.  I can remember you teaching him to retrieve a rock from the bottom of the pond at the farm in Chunky.  I was so shocked when you first demonstrated it to me! You threw this rock (that you had marked) into the pond in deep water, and when you said, "get it Chocco", that dog jumped in like nobody's business and went scuba diving for that rock! I thought he was going to drown for sure, but you assured me he would get the rock. Sure enough, after what seemed like hours, and after watching what I thought was his last breath bubbling in that water, up and out he came and dropped that rock at your feet, sat down, and waited for you to throw it back in! Wow! I was so impressed with your dog training skills, but I was touched to my core by the absolute love and trust that existed between you.  One of my very favorite childhood photos of you is of Chocco lying on the floor, and you lying on him like a pillow... both of you sound asleep....   We had so many various common and uncommon pets... horses, the llama, that crazy miniature sheep that you sheared!  They all left us with a legacy of good memories, laughter, and love. I don't think I've ever said this, but I want to say it now, "Thank you, son, for sharing my love of all creatures great and small. It is one of our common bonds which I treasure most."

     There are so many, many memories I treasure from your childhood, adolescence, and teenage years, it would take me another lifetime to list them all.... Your quirky sense of humor and endless pranks/jokes on me and your sister, your quiet thoughtful ways, your deep thinking mind, the strange food likes/dislikes we share and don't share, your sense of fairness, your courage.... I want to say a little bit about your courage.  I know that your adolescent years were really tough. I remember the quiet, shy boy who was too embarrassed to make friends with the neighbor boy. I also remember how you overcame, and later became good friends with that same boy.  I remember the struggles in school, and I rejoiced each time you found a way to conquer, whether it was grades, social pressures, or personal demons. I am so proud to be your mama, son... God could not have given me anyone better, and I wouldn't trade you for all the sons in the world. I love you, my son.

     I've talked about the past, now I want to talk about the present and the future.  You have picked a wonderful girl for your wife.  You don't know this, but I have prayed for your wife since you were born.  I remember when you were 4 yrs old you told me you were going to marry a girl with long golden hair and have a lot of kids!  I laughed at the time, that time was yesterday and today I turned around and you said, "I'm getting married Mama"....  So remember as you marry, your mama prayed for this girl from you baby days, and treat her like the treasure and answer to prayer that she is.  Other than accepting Christ as your Savior, this is the single most important decision and step you will ever take in your life.  Go about it seriously, soberly, and in prayer. Allow God to lead you as a man and as a husband, and you will not go astray in your marriage. Remember that your marriage is not two people, but three, God, your wife, and you... in that order. Read the Bible's words on marriage, they are  the guide to how to have a beautiful and successful marriage and family.  Always be honest with each other, trust is the greatest gift you give to each other in marriage.  Love unconditionally, because love conquers all, and Christ Himself told us "the greatest of these is Love".  Never go to bed angry, it breeds discontent and builds walls that are hard to tear down.  Put your wife's happiness before yours and you will find that you are happier as a result. Respect each other, in thought, word, and action. Never tear each other down in public, it will tear your relationship down in private.  Keep your private life private and intimate, it belongs only to your marriage and each other.  Decide now to be each other's ally and best friend, through all of the stresses that will come your way, including but not limited to: finances, births, deaths, child rearing, and the changes that come with old age.  I know, old age seems like an eternity away, but it is not. Yesterday I was your age, today I am a grandmother.  Time flies, and life will pass you by if you let it... Do Not Let Life Pass You By! Savor each moment, treasure each milestone, and always, always do everything with Love.  Follow God closely, and teach your children about God, they will need Him in this world....

     I know there are a thousand more things I should tell you and remind you of, but I have written a book and I must trust in God and the way I raised you to sustain you through whatever lies ahead on your path in life.  If you ever need me I will be there, whenever, wherever... Never doubt that you are special in my eyes, never forget you are a child of The King. When you find yourself, one day far down the road, hearing your child say "I'm getting married", remember this letter, and pass on any wisdom to your son or daughter.  Never forget the beautiful family you grew up in, son... we will always be a part of you.

I love you forever, 

Mama